Friday, February 14, 2014

Corporate Raiders 2.0: When Carl and Bill and George Met Mary Jo

Carl Icahn @I_Make_Money_You_Have_A_Problem_With_That? Have taken large position in APPLE.  See BIG GAINS soon.
Bill Ackman @Never_Shorting_Again.  You don’t use ALL CAPS, Carl.  This is Twitter, not Facebook.  And we have taken a bigger position in Air Products than you have in Apple.
Icahn:  My Apple is bigger than your Air Products.
Ackman:  Show me.
Icahn:  I don’t have to show YOU, punk. 
Ackman: What’s your thesis on Apple, Carl?
Icahn: Talked to Tim Cook.  Very nice chat.  Says they are coming out with a “smart” phone in September. 
Ackman:   They already make a smartphone.  Like, their fifth iteration.
Icahn:  Oh, Mr. Big Words.  Tim Cook says it will read fingerprints.  That would save police time doing stop & frisk.  IT WILL BE BIG.
Ackman: Fingerprints?  It’s biometric, Carl, not for fingerprinting.
Icahn: It’s biotech, too!  A “smart” phone AND biotech drug.  APPLE WILL BE BIG.
Ackman:  There’s those caps again.  Who types for you, old man?  Your great-great-great grandson?
Icahn:  Punk.  Your mother was a camp-follower.
Ackman:  Don’t know what that means.  Translate.
Icahn: Look it up in the dictionary.
Ackman:  Dictionary!  Okay Carl, getting my Webster’s down from the shelf right now…
Icahn: You are a punk.  A snotty, wise-guy punk.
Ackman:  Is that the only adjective you know?  I’ll give you my thesaurus, too.  You can put it on your bookshelf next to the Encyclopedia Britannica collection.
Icahn:  A wise-guy punk.
Ackman:  Anyway, “punk” is good.  The Ramones were punk, Carl.   But you were probably more a Vic Damone guy, right?
Icahn: A spoon-fed, daddy’s boy punk.
Ackman: ‘Danke Schoen,’ was that your song, Carl?
Icahn: Wayne Newton sang that, not Vic Damone.
Ackman:  Sorry, Carl.  I was trading stock options between classes in junior high while you were out there bankrupting airlines.
Icahn:  I didn’t bankrupt any airline!
Ackman:  Ever hear of TWA?
Icahn:  I rescued TWA!
Ackman:  Like the Godfather rescued Moe Green.
Icahn:  [Very bad language] Punk!  So today you’re bankrupting department stores. Give me a break.
Ackman:  Ever been in a Penney’s?  They needed all the help they could get.  We tried.
Icahn:  I shop at TJ Maxx. I never pay retail, Bill. You know that.
Ackman: You paid retail for DELL.  How’s that working out for ya?
Icahn: Better than Penney’s for you.  Think I’ll short Penney.  Right now.
Ackman: Go ahead.  I’ll loan you my stock.
Icahn: Serve you right, you punk.  Better yet, gonna buy more Herbalife right now.
George Soros @George_Swings:  Good idea Carl, I’m going to buy more HLF too.
Ackman:  Hi George, didn’t know you were on this thread
Soros:  No, I’m not on the treadmill. 
Ackman:  I said, “thread.”  That’s what this is called.
Icahn:  He’s a little deaf, Ackman:  Give him some respect.
Soros:  I just had sex with a very pretty young supermodel from Belarus.  I met her in Davos shopping with my 5th ex-wife.  Thought I would say that.
Ackman:  Save it for Facebook, George.  This is Twitter.
Soros:  My assistant is putting the video up on YouTube.  Then she will leak it to the New York Post.
Icahn:  You might not want to do that, George.
Ackman:  Are we done here, gentlemen?
Icahn:  Not with you, punk.  I’m buying more Herbalife right now.
Ackman:  Go ahead.  I’ll sell you mine.
Icahn:  ??? Thought U were short HLF.
Soros: #$%@#$%@  I thought so too.  Carl, you told me Ackman was short $1B HLF.
Icahn: That’s what he told everybody at that stupid conference, George.  So I went long. 

Soros: My face is not as wrinkly as it appears in the New York Post.
Icahn:  George, what are you talking about?
Soros:  I am watching the video in my private nightclub.  It’s midnight in Switzerland. Or St. Barts.  Wherever we are.
Ackman:  Sorry to tell you guys, but we actually covered the HLF last week.  Went long.
Icahn: U r such a kidder.  Am buying 1mm right now, market not held.
Ackman:  I am not kidding.  We’re long.  1 million shares of HLF, sold to you.
Soros:  This HLF is going down now, Carl.  What did you do?
Icahn: I just bought 1mm and it hasn’t had an uptick yet.
Soros:   I can’t concentrate on the video.  What is happening, Carl?
Icahn:  [Bad word] This [very bad word] punk [bad word] us.
Soros:  I fired my pilot for less, Carl.
Icahn:  U can’t fire me, George, I don't work for U.
Soros:  U will if Herbalife keeps going down.  Can’t U twit something?
Ackman:  It’s ‘tweet,’ George.   You want Carl to ‘tweet’ something.
Icahn:  I’ll tweet U right in the East River, U punk.
Ackman:  You and what army, Carl?
Soros:  I want no armies involved.  I am devoted to peace.  And sex.   Sex and peace.
Mary Jo White @Better_Late_Than_Never:  Excuse me, gentleman, good afternoon. We at the SEC have been monitoring these conversations.
Ackman:  I was wondering when you would get around to it.
Icahn:  Holy [bad word].  Ms. White.  What are you doing on this thread?
Soros:  Is that a woman who joined us?
White.  We are monitoring all these conversations. 
Icahn:  How the $$#@ do you do that?
White:  Ever hear of an agency called the NSA?
Soros:  She’s from the agency?  I wasn’t expecting her so soon.  Let her in, fellows.
Ackman:   Not that kind of agency, George. 
White:  We are getting worried that unscrupulous billionaires may be using social media to promote their stocks after they build a position.
Soros:  Position?
Icahn:  Not that kind of position, George.  Keep quiet.
Ackman:   You’re in trouble, Carl.
Icahn:  What’s the difference between me tweeting I buy Apple and you telling a conference you’re short Herbalife?
Ackman:  I laid out the facts as I saw them.  You promoted a stock price.
Icahn:  This HLF keeps going down.  Why didn’t you tweet that you covered your Herbalife and went long?
Ackman:  It was my way of saying ‘Danke Shoen’ Carl.
Icahn:  Punk.
White:  Mr. Icahn, we need to get together.  You too, Mr. Soros
Soros:  A three-way!  I will send the jet to pick you all up…
via:http://jeffmatthewsisnotmakingthisup.blogspot.in/2013/08/corporate-raiders-20.html

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